Burned In My Memory......

This month seems to always be the hardest for me.

On October 25th, it will be 14 years since my brother has passed. It still feels like yesterday. I remember what I was wearing, who was around me and the sounds and smells that filled the hallways of West Jordan Middle School. I was talking with my friends before class and a group of the "popular" boys walked up to me. There had to have been like 10 of them, boys that I would normally never talk to. Cody Rogers was in the front. He tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. I was a little shocked with what I saw. He said, "Sarah, your brother has been in a bad car accident. You need to go to the counselors office." At first I totally thought he was joking and I just smiled, turned around and started talking to my friends again. But there was another tap on my shoulder and as I turned around, all the boys were shaking their heads yes, as if they were all in sync. My throat got dry and my head felt dizzy. I didn't know what to think. I slowly walked towards the counselors office, my mind was blank. I kind of thought to myself, why am I not running right now? I guess I still thought everything was okay at this point.

I walked into the counselors office and there was both counselors and 3 police officers. At first I just looked around at them, not quite sure why they were all there. One of the officers looked at me, with the most intense eye contact I think I have ever experienced, and said, "As you know, your brother was in a car accident and he might not make it through this." At this point, those words, "he might not make it through this" didn't even cross my mind a second time. To this day, I still don't understand why.

They told me that Laura Gallagher, a friend from my neighborhood and the wife of the officer that was first on the scene, was on her way to pick me up and take me to the hospital. They asked if I had anyone I wanted to tell or anything I wanted to get before I left. At the time, my best friend was Valerie Crew. I pulled her out of class and told her exactly what the officers told me. She started to cry. Tears fell down her face like a waterfall. Why wasn't I crying? I couldn't cry. I don't think the thought hit me yet that anything was really wrong.

As I was walking down the stairs I saw Laura walking down the hall, with her youngest son Keeton following behind. He had no shoes on. As if they were rushed out of the house with no time to grab them. She was crying. I guess I still had no idea the severity of the situation. We got in her truck and started to head to Jordan Valley Hospital. As we were driving, Laura was silent. She just continued to cry. I remember saying, "oh man, as soon as my brother comes out of this, my Dad is going to be so mad that he was not wearing his seat belt." I remember kind of giggling to myself like this was all a big joke. Laura began to cry harder. Still no tears from my eyes.

We pulled up to the emergency room of the hospital and I ran inside, expecting to see my Mom there waiting for me so we could go to the room that my brother was in. I frantically looked around and didn't recognize any faces. Just then, a nurse grabbed my hand and took me into a room. I opened the door and there was my entire family, crying hysterically. I looked around for my Mom. I glanced down and saw her, hunched over with my sister by her side. My sister looked at me, tears rolling from her eyes with out her even blinking, and said, "Sarah, Jesse is dead!" My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. I fell to my knees. I couldn't breathe. I felt myself gasping for air. Still, no tears. Why was I not crying!? I don't understand! I just found out that my only brother, my best friend, was gone. He was dead and I was never going to see him again.

I remember not knowing what to say, what to do. I just sat there, in the middle of the room, feeling empty. It was probably once of the worst feelings I have ever experienced, but it was also one of the hardest feelings to explain. Still, no tears were coming. I just couldn't cry. I remember seeing my Moms face. I have never seen her look that way, ever. I hated the fact that there was nothing I could do to make her feel better, to comfort her. Nothing was going to help what just happened.

I later found out that my Mom had told the officers, the school and Laura to not tell me that he was gone until I got to the hospital. In all of this, my Mom was concerned about me. I didn't matter right now. It was about my family, about my brother.

For the rest of the day, we went to my Aunt Jill's house. The house was silent. The only thing you could hear was the weaping and the sounds of hearts breaking. I remember the Bishop coming in and already talking about funeral arrangements. Like it was already permanent. No time to even process the reality of it all.

That day is burned in my memory. I remember every single detail so clearly as if it just happened yesterday.

I remember the day after, I was finally able to cry. As if my brain and heart had to go through a maze to process that he was really gone. Now, I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I found myself whispering to myself, "why?" over and over again. As if by some miracle I was going to get an answer. 

The days and weeks went on like normal. The world didn't stop because he was gone. The world however, lost one amazing person that day, and no matter what happens in my life, I will never ever forget him. I miss him more then words can express.....