Burned In My Memory......

This month seems to always be the hardest for me.

On October 25th, it will be 14 years since my brother has passed. It still feels like yesterday. I remember what I was wearing, who was around me and the sounds and smells that filled the hallways of West Jordan Middle School. I was talking with my friends before class and a group of the "popular" boys walked up to me. There had to have been like 10 of them, boys that I would normally never talk to. Cody Rogers was in the front. He tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. I was a little shocked with what I saw. He said, "Sarah, your brother has been in a bad car accident. You need to go to the counselors office." At first I totally thought he was joking and I just smiled, turned around and started talking to my friends again. But there was another tap on my shoulder and as I turned around, all the boys were shaking their heads yes, as if they were all in sync. My throat got dry and my head felt dizzy. I didn't know what to think. I slowly walked towards the counselors office, my mind was blank. I kind of thought to myself, why am I not running right now? I guess I still thought everything was okay at this point.

I walked into the counselors office and there was both counselors and 3 police officers. At first I just looked around at them, not quite sure why they were all there. One of the officers looked at me, with the most intense eye contact I think I have ever experienced, and said, "As you know, your brother was in a car accident and he might not make it through this." At this point, those words, "he might not make it through this" didn't even cross my mind a second time. To this day, I still don't understand why.

They told me that Laura Gallagher, a friend from my neighborhood and the wife of the officer that was first on the scene, was on her way to pick me up and take me to the hospital. They asked if I had anyone I wanted to tell or anything I wanted to get before I left. At the time, my best friend was Valerie Crew. I pulled her out of class and told her exactly what the officers told me. She started to cry. Tears fell down her face like a waterfall. Why wasn't I crying? I couldn't cry. I don't think the thought hit me yet that anything was really wrong.

As I was walking down the stairs I saw Laura walking down the hall, with her youngest son Keeton following behind. He had no shoes on. As if they were rushed out of the house with no time to grab them. She was crying. I guess I still had no idea the severity of the situation. We got in her truck and started to head to Jordan Valley Hospital. As we were driving, Laura was silent. She just continued to cry. I remember saying, "oh man, as soon as my brother comes out of this, my Dad is going to be so mad that he was not wearing his seat belt." I remember kind of giggling to myself like this was all a big joke. Laura began to cry harder. Still no tears from my eyes.

We pulled up to the emergency room of the hospital and I ran inside, expecting to see my Mom there waiting for me so we could go to the room that my brother was in. I frantically looked around and didn't recognize any faces. Just then, a nurse grabbed my hand and took me into a room. I opened the door and there was my entire family, crying hysterically. I looked around for my Mom. I glanced down and saw her, hunched over with my sister by her side. My sister looked at me, tears rolling from her eyes with out her even blinking, and said, "Sarah, Jesse is dead!" My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. I fell to my knees. I couldn't breathe. I felt myself gasping for air. Still, no tears. Why was I not crying!? I don't understand! I just found out that my only brother, my best friend, was gone. He was dead and I was never going to see him again.

I remember not knowing what to say, what to do. I just sat there, in the middle of the room, feeling empty. It was probably once of the worst feelings I have ever experienced, but it was also one of the hardest feelings to explain. Still, no tears were coming. I just couldn't cry. I remember seeing my Moms face. I have never seen her look that way, ever. I hated the fact that there was nothing I could do to make her feel better, to comfort her. Nothing was going to help what just happened.

I later found out that my Mom had told the officers, the school and Laura to not tell me that he was gone until I got to the hospital. In all of this, my Mom was concerned about me. I didn't matter right now. It was about my family, about my brother.

For the rest of the day, we went to my Aunt Jill's house. The house was silent. The only thing you could hear was the weaping and the sounds of hearts breaking. I remember the Bishop coming in and already talking about funeral arrangements. Like it was already permanent. No time to even process the reality of it all.

That day is burned in my memory. I remember every single detail so clearly as if it just happened yesterday.

I remember the day after, I was finally able to cry. As if my brain and heart had to go through a maze to process that he was really gone. Now, I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I found myself whispering to myself, "why?" over and over again. As if by some miracle I was going to get an answer. 

The days and weeks went on like normal. The world didn't stop because he was gone. The world however, lost one amazing person that day, and no matter what happens in my life, I will never ever forget him. I miss him more then words can express..... 

A Brand New Day....

I came across this quote today:

This quote has really opened up my eyes, and has reminded me that I need to keep an open mind about life. To take trials as they come, and do what I need to, to overcome them the best way that I can. To be happy with myself and remember that it is not a bad life, just a bad day. I know that what lies ahead of me is not going to be easy and at times I may want to break down again, and honeslty that may happen, but in the end, I hope that I can find the good in what the future holds for me.

I am still not happy with who I am right now, but I am working on it. That's all I can do right now. Work on me. 

I still have nightmares most nights, about him, about life, about not knowing where I am going or who I am. I wake up shivering, feeling like a pound of bricks is resting on my chest. I can't breathe. The nightmares feel so real. I don't know what I can do to make them go away. I think I have come to the reality that they will never go away. But I can't let being scared run my life. I have to move on.

All of what I have said is so much easier said then done. I really hope I can do this.........





  


I am okay.....

It has been a long time since I have posted. I guess I have just been taking that time to see if I knew who I was and where I want to be. My life has been a huge struggle. One after another. I have come to realize this: I am okay. My life is not ideal. I am no where close to where I want to be. But I am okay. It is time for me to start to smile for real. Time for me to be me and love it. I can do this. I have people surrounding me that love me and care about me. Even though there is someone missing in the equation, it is not going to stop me from living.

I know that there will be more struggles to come, but I will take them on as they come and face them with resilience. I can do this.

I have realized that I respect myself and respect him enough to not push my way into anyone's life, especially his. If someone wants to be my friend and wants me in their life, I will be. Otherwise, I can't force it. 

Healing takes time. I am not fully healed. In fact, I don't think I ever will be, but I can find ways to push through it. I have to. I can't keep living my life in depression. I can't hide myself away from the world. It only brings me down and weakens me more. It is time for me to get up and continue living, whether I like it or not. The world doesn't stop for me.....

  

It's My Turn

I haven't had much to write about lately, yet my mind has been going a hundred miles an hour. There is so much in there that I can't find the words to be able to put it on paper.

I hate the feeling that my life has no direction. I am unsure of where I am and where I am going. Each day goes by faster then the last. I get older and yet I still am going nowhere. All the goals I had for myself seem as though they have been hidden at the bottom of a barrell that is full of needles. I have to dig my way through those needles, getting poked and bleeding along the way. The deeper I dig, the harder it becomes. Eventually, I will give up. 

I am so ready for my life to begin! I want a husband. Someone who I can come home to that will love me unconditonally. Someone I can grow old with. I want a family. God, I want a family! I want kids to call my own. To be able to be the mother that I know I can be. To raise my kids to be amazing. It is really hard to see people all around me getting what I so badly want. It is not fair.... When will it be my turn? I am sick of waiting and hoping for what I fear will never come........

At one point, my family and my life was so close, I felt like I was about to wrap my arms around it. You couldn't erase the smile from my face and my full heart if you tried. It was ripped away from me. Taken so fast that I didn't even have time to comprehend it. I am still unsure of the sudden end to what felt so real and so close. Now I am back at the beginning. Starting over. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Fear that it will never come again..... fear of being alone forever.......


When will my life begin......... It is my turn......

 

Forgotten

Forgotten.

I feel like I am slowly dissipating into thin air like light sand brushed on top of the sidewalk that was swept away by the wind. I am no longer a memory in his life. I simply played a part in his play. I would like to think that I am still a memory, but the reality if it is, I am probably not. 

Anger has come now. First it was feeling sad, for the fact that I am not a part of his life anymore, but slowly it is starting to turn to anger. Angry that someone can just forget about everything so quickly and easily, after spending our entire adulthood together. Angry that I put my whole heart into everything we did and it meant nothing to him. Angry that I still don't even know the reasoning for the abrupt ending. But most of all, angry that I let myself succumb to the deep place that I have been over someone who doesn't even care about me.

What did I do wrong? Am I not good enough? Why doesn't he love me anymore? These questions have played over and over in my head like an old VCR player. Rewind. Press play. No matter how many times I ask myself these questions, I will never know the answer. Yet I continue to ponder over them like one day the answer will make itself known. I am giving myself false hope. Rewind. Press play. Here they are again....

I miss him........ the anger has turned to sadness again.......

Forgotten.

     

Understand...

I decided to start writing, not to get pity, not to have people back lash at me for what I say and how I am feeling, but to let my feelings and words out in the only other way that I know how. I am hoping that whomever reads this, can understand my reasons for doing so.....




Days go by, just like normal. Nothing has changed. The world and all it's contents haven't stopped because of my misery. I never expected it to, but at the same time, it would be nice to know that I am not the only one going through this. Everywhere I look, people are smiling and are happy. It is not fair. I want to be happy. 

Stop.
Breathe.
Cry if you must.

How many tears will I cry before they run out? Will they ever run out? I am tired of crying, but I can't stop. Just when I feel like I am going to be okay, something else presents itself and brings me down again. It is a never ending cycle. I try to engage myself into the normality's of life. Waking up, going to work, talking and smiling, hoping that if I "pretend" everything is okay, it will be okay. But that is never the case. I still end up heartbroken and depressed. 

 Wake up. Go to work. Put a smile on my face, pretend to be okay.

I love my family more then words can express, but sometimes it's even hard to explain to them the way that I am feeling. "Get on depression medication", they say. "It will help you". The last time I was on that stuff, I gained weight and I was even more depressed. I can't do that again. I am not happy with the way I look now, that would just make things worse. I don't want to have to rely on medicine for my happiness. I want to be normal. To get high off of life and all it has to offer me, not be "high" on pills. It feels like that becomes more and more of a stretch every day. Like it is never going to happen. I won't ever be happy.....

Stop.

Breathe.

Cry if you must.

More tears...... 

Another nightmare becomes reality......

Wake up Sarah, wake up!


Last night I was having dream that felt so real that I could smell the scents that surrounded me, and I could feel the touch of a gentle yet rough hand that grabbed mine. We were walking through a field full of beautiful sunflowers and daisies. His hand was grasped tight around mine. I felt so safe and so in love that nothing else mattered. I closed my eyes for what felt like no more then 10 seconds and when I opened them, he was gone. No where in sight. I frantically turned around in circles hoping that when I came around again, he would be there, but he wasn't. Just then, the sunflowers and daisies were gone. Like they vanished in thin air. I could no longer smell the aroma of fresh flowers nor feel any touch of hand. I felt cold.

I was alone. He was gone.

I started to run as fast as I could until I couldn't go anymore. I fell to my knees and started to cry; praying that this wasn't real.

When I woke up, my pillow was drenched with tears. I sat up quickly and looked around for a minute until I realized that it wasn't just a dream. It was my nightmare that has turned into my reality.

I am alone. He is gone.

I struggle to pull myself out of bed every morning. Things that used to excite or entice, no longer appeal to me. I put a fake smile on my face because the last thing I want is to expose these emotions in order to solicit "the look" from people. Sometimes you just can't tell people how you really feel. Not because you don't know why, not because you don't know your purpose, not because you don't trust them, but because you can't find the right words to make them understand. Understand the true deep emotions that I am feeling and the reason behind them. I have a reason. I know that others may have it worse then me and I try to focus on that mere fact, that "things could be worse" but to me, the life that has chosen me is at it's breaking point.

I wish I could just wake up from this horrible nightmare, but the fact is, that this nightmare is my reality. My everyday life that I have to unfortunately continue living........





Can't Breathe......

"Lonely is not just a feeling when you are alone, lonely is a feeling when no one cares"

I feel like I am a child learning to swim for the first time. My face slowly slips under the cold water, my heart beating so fast that it feels like it is going to burst out of my chest. Suddenly I can't breathe. I feel like any moment now, someone will reach their arms down and grab me, pulling me out of the water where I will gasp for air, filling my almost empty lungs up once again; but instead, I continue to sink, farther and farther where it gets darker and darker. At this point, it feels like the life is being ripped away from me. My body is weak and my mind is blurry.

I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can't be happy with myself, nobody will ever be happy with me, and that just makes me even more paranoid. It's a cycle; insecurity, unconfidence, and diffidence. It is all a cycle and it is destroying me.

Taking a step back to look at my life. I see happiness, I see sadness, I see hurt, I see despair, I see love, I see hopefulness, I see depression, I see heartache. I have lived a life that feels and looks like a rollercoaster. Up and down, and in and out, upside down and backwards. I never feel like my life is going the way that it should. Everyone has a plan for their life. I had a plan. That plan is non existent anymore, as if it was ripped away from me. And now I am left back at the beginning. Starting over. Like I am a child again, laying in the middle of the floor, squeezing myself into the fetal position, hoping to get some attention and have someone show me the things I need to do, to learn. It is as if I have no idea how to do anything anymore.

People around me tell me that in order for my life to change I have to change it myself. I do believe this with my whole heart, however speaking the words is so much easier then taking action. I feel defeated. Defeated by myself. Defeated by the world and all its elements. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to feel this way. But I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole. The depression and heartache is slowly widdling away my soul and who I am. I am suffocating.

I am back in the cold water, sinking farther and farther, deeper and deeper, it's getting darker and darker................ panic has encased me.............