Can't Breathe......

"Lonely is not just a feeling when you are alone, lonely is a feeling when no one cares"

I feel like I am a child learning to swim for the first time. My face slowly slips under the cold water, my heart beating so fast that it feels like it is going to burst out of my chest. Suddenly I can't breathe. I feel like any moment now, someone will reach their arms down and grab me, pulling me out of the water where I will gasp for air, filling my almost empty lungs up once again; but instead, I continue to sink, farther and farther where it gets darker and darker. At this point, it feels like the life is being ripped away from me. My body is weak and my mind is blurry.

I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can't be happy with myself, nobody will ever be happy with me, and that just makes me even more paranoid. It's a cycle; insecurity, unconfidence, and diffidence. It is all a cycle and it is destroying me.

Taking a step back to look at my life. I see happiness, I see sadness, I see hurt, I see despair, I see love, I see hopefulness, I see depression, I see heartache. I have lived a life that feels and looks like a rollercoaster. Up and down, and in and out, upside down and backwards. I never feel like my life is going the way that it should. Everyone has a plan for their life. I had a plan. That plan is non existent anymore, as if it was ripped away from me. And now I am left back at the beginning. Starting over. Like I am a child again, laying in the middle of the floor, squeezing myself into the fetal position, hoping to get some attention and have someone show me the things I need to do, to learn. It is as if I have no idea how to do anything anymore.

People around me tell me that in order for my life to change I have to change it myself. I do believe this with my whole heart, however speaking the words is so much easier then taking action. I feel defeated. Defeated by myself. Defeated by the world and all its elements. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to feel this way. But I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole. The depression and heartache is slowly widdling away my soul and who I am. I am suffocating.

I am back in the cold water, sinking farther and farther, deeper and deeper, it's getting darker and darker................ panic has encased me.............