Understand...

I decided to start writing, not to get pity, not to have people back lash at me for what I say and how I am feeling, but to let my feelings and words out in the only other way that I know how. I am hoping that whomever reads this, can understand my reasons for doing so.....




Days go by, just like normal. Nothing has changed. The world and all it's contents haven't stopped because of my misery. I never expected it to, but at the same time, it would be nice to know that I am not the only one going through this. Everywhere I look, people are smiling and are happy. It is not fair. I want to be happy. 

Stop.
Breathe.
Cry if you must.

How many tears will I cry before they run out? Will they ever run out? I am tired of crying, but I can't stop. Just when I feel like I am going to be okay, something else presents itself and brings me down again. It is a never ending cycle. I try to engage myself into the normality's of life. Waking up, going to work, talking and smiling, hoping that if I "pretend" everything is okay, it will be okay. But that is never the case. I still end up heartbroken and depressed. 

 Wake up. Go to work. Put a smile on my face, pretend to be okay.

I love my family more then words can express, but sometimes it's even hard to explain to them the way that I am feeling. "Get on depression medication", they say. "It will help you". The last time I was on that stuff, I gained weight and I was even more depressed. I can't do that again. I am not happy with the way I look now, that would just make things worse. I don't want to have to rely on medicine for my happiness. I want to be normal. To get high off of life and all it has to offer me, not be "high" on pills. It feels like that becomes more and more of a stretch every day. Like it is never going to happen. I won't ever be happy.....

Stop.

Breathe.

Cry if you must.

More tears......